A Step into the Life that Created Brandi Raines Beauty - Part 2

If you read part one of Brandi Raines Beauty you saw a glimpse of my childhood. 

I truly believe God orchestrated every part of my life to give me the strength, courage, perspective, and work ethic I have today. Never have I wished that I could change the past; I have finally gotten to a place of real JOY and happiness. To change the past may mean risking what I have today. With this blog post, I hope to give you a bit of hope…to remind you that there is real purpose in what you’re walking through. You, too, deserve a life of joy - sometimes to get there, we have to walk (maybe even crawl!) through the darkness. Here’s part of my story through the darkness. 

There was so much anger in my heart growing up.

While I would never change it – I have to say that growing up, my family dynamic was odd. As a mother myself now, I know my parents truly did the best they could. Given their situations, they were amazing parents. However, hot anger still festered inside of me. It seemed that I had always walked around mad about something. Even if I wasn’t mad, it didn’t take much to get me there. I’d snap at my close friends, family, even strangers. 

To know me now, may surprised you to learn this about me.

If I’m totally honest, that old me still slips out occasionally. But now I know I have a God who continuously showers me with grace and compassion. In the past, I felt like a victim: I thought if life was hard or if I was walking through challenging times, it gave me a right to act out. While I know I’m far from perfect now, I have come a long way. It took a lot of arguments, lost friendships, and confrontation for me to learn the HARD way.

Middle school is an awkward time for most, but on top of that, my life was flipped upside down when my parents both divorced.

This may sound dramatic, but it’s an important piece of my story. My life felt very complex at that age. Both of my parents both went through their separate divorces around the same time. So, on top of new hormones and emotions as a sprouting teen, I had to navigate losing the stability of my normal. 

From losing the “home” I grew up in to watching my parents walk through difficult times to trying to maintain a social life – this all compounded into anger. My life felt like a recipe for disaster. 

Looking back, I realize now that God was disrupting patterns that would’ve of otherwise turned out far worse than they already were. It took abrupt adjusting, which was so hard for me. My anger followed me through high school, presenting as entitlement to others. Sadly, this was a trait that not many of my peers were willing to deal with. Truthfully, I am overcome when I think back to this time, it still hits me really hard. While I wish I would’ve been able to cope with things differently, I am thankful for what this time taught me.

The turning point for me was when I left my small midwestern home town.

After I left home, I took a full time position ad Disney. Have you ever been? It’s basically a dreamy melting pot of diversity, charisma, and joy. SO many beautiful souls from around the world join into the Disney college program! You’re immersed into a sea of culture. It was amazing and intimidating all at the same time. 

This small town girl was knocked off her feet.

The attitude that got me through years prior would simply not fly here. Everyone back home expected the angry, entitled version of me; simply excusing my behavior saying “that’s just Brandi.” However, here at Disney, I quickly learned that I would fall flat on my face for acting that way. 

I watched as so many around me laughed, told inside jokes, and actually enjoyed their job. Meanwhile, I was miserable. Not many people knew I was miserable, because I didn’t let anyone in. I isolated from the world, keeping my true feelings tucked deep below the surface. When people from back home would ask me how I was, I lied; I never wanted to seem weak or let them know how I was feeling. I felt so alone. 

Around this time, God placed a unique and special person named Brian in my life. 

Brian is one of those friends that you can go months without speaking to, but we always pick right back up where we left off. He may never know but he saved my life. Brian taught me that I didn’t need to change who I was as a person. What I needed to do was GROW. 

This first started as compassion – for myself and for others. I slowly started to learn how to apologize if I am wrong, to be more attentive to others’ feelings, and how to understand people in a new way. Disney was an amazing experience, and after about 8 months of making no friends I suddenly was able to see a little more clearly. I found myself with friends, Like Brian, that I still hold dear to my heart. Pssst, if you’re reading this Brian – Facetime date soon, boo! 

From there, I started truly enjoying my days; I learned to socialize and even began seeking God on my own. While it was painful, I know now that chapter was necessary. Getting out of my home town and learning that perspective is everything was needed to step into adulthood.

You see we all face difficult situations. Hardships. Struggles and failures. You may be reading this thinking .....you don’t know what I’ve been through. And to that I’d say: Yeah, you’re absolutely right! But GOD does…and he still loves you. God has been working through your situations to strengthen you. 

I know firsthand It is hard to believe He is there when we walk through hard times. We often feel alone or feel like a failure. But, I promise you, if you can adopt a new perspective – a perspective of tenderness: one where you can give love even if you’re not capable of receiving it. You will change too. By incorporating daily gratitude, celebrating the small wins, and recognizing your progress you will evolve. 

Hard times will not cease and life will always feel too busy. You are not alone, my friend. I pray deeply that you know that you are so worthy of a joyful life, and it’s waiting for you just around this mountain.