Stop Making Yourself Smaller to Keep Other People Comfortable

For so long, I think a lot of us are taught to be easy to like. Be nice. Don’t be too loud. Don’t talk about your accomplishments too much because you don’t want to sound full of yourself. Don’t say no because you might hurt someone’s feelings. Don’t change too much because people might say you’ve “changed.” Don’t post too much. Don’t dream too big. Don’t be too confident. Don’t have too many opinions. Don’t celebrate yourself too loudly.

 

Basically… be yourself, but not too much of yourself. 😂

And the older I get, the more I realize how exhausting that is.

There is such a difference between being humble and constantly shrinking yourself. You can be kind and still have boundaries. You can be grateful and still be proud of yourself. You can love people and still say no to them. You can be a good person and still disappoint someone. You can celebrate someone else without pretending you aren’t excited about what is happening in your own life.

 

I think especially as women, and definitely as moms, we get really good at making sure everyone around us is okay. Is everyone happy? Did everyone eat? Does everyone have what they need? Did I respond to that text? Did I remember the school thing? Did I check on my friend? Did I make enough time for my husband? Did I get everything done for work? Did I make sure nobody felt left out?

 

And somewhere in the middle of making sure everyone else has room, we forget that we’re allowed to take up some room too.

I’ve had to learn that someone else being uncomfortable with the version of me I’m becoming does not automatically mean I’m doing something wrong.

Read that again.

 

Sometimes people are comfortable with the version of you who always says yes. The version who doesn’t speak up. The version who laughs something off even when it hurts her feelings. The version who is always available. The version who second-guesses herself. The version who needs everyone’s approval before she makes a decision.

 

So when you start setting boundaries, saying no, chasing bigger dreams, becoming more confident, protecting your peace, or simply deciding you don’t want to live your life according to everyone else’s expectations anymore… it might make some people uncomfortable.

And that’s okay.

 

One thing I want my babies to grow up knowing is that they never have to make themselves smaller to be loved.

 

I don't want them growing up believing they need to hide the things that make them shine because someone else might feel insecure. I don't want them apologizing for being excited about something they worked hard for. I don't want them staying in rooms where they constantly have to water themselves down just to belong.

 

And then I realized… if that’s what I want to teach my children, I have to be willing to live it too.

 

Our kids learn so much more from what we do than what we tell them.

I can tell them all day long to believe in themselves, but if they watch their mama constantly questioning herself because of what other people might think, what am I actually teaching them?

 

I can tell my daughter to know her worth, but she also needs to see me know mine.

I can tell my son to go after the life he wants, but he needs to see his mama brave enough to do the same.

 

And no, that doesn't mean being selfish or thinking you're better than anyone. It doesn't mean walking through life without caring about people's feelings. I actually think you can be incredibly loving, generous, compassionate, and humble while still refusing to shrink yourself.

 

You can have a soft heart and a strong backbone.

You can be the girl cheering the loudest for everyone else while still cheering for yourself too.
 

And I think that's something I've had to learn as I've gotten older: you don't have to choose between being kind and being confident.

There are going to be people who misunderstand you. There are going to be people who have opinions about the choices you make. Someone will think you're doing too much, while someone else thinks you're not doing enough. Someone will think you're too loud. Someone will think you're too quiet. Someone will think you work too much. Someone will think you should be doing more. Someone will have something to say no matter what.

 

And whew… if we build our lives around avoiding people's opinions, we will spend our entire lives standing still.

At some point, you have to decide that the people who truly love you aren't going to require you to become less of yourself in order to keep them comfortable.

 

The right people are going to clap when you win.

They're going to be excited when you grow.

They're going to understand when you need to say no.

They're going to love you when you're thriving and when you're struggling.

 

And most importantly, they're not going to make you feel guilty for becoming the woman you've worked really hard to become.

I think sometimes we confuse keeping the peace with having peace.

Those are two completely different things.

 

Keeping the peace can look like saying yes when you want to say no. Staying quiet when something bothers you. Avoiding a conversation because you don't want someone upset with you. Letting someone cross a boundary because correcting them feels uncomfortable.

But having peace?

 

Sometimes having peace means someone else isn't happy with you.

And that one took me a while to learn.

Not everyone has to understand your boundaries for them to be valid. Not everyone has to agree with your decisions. Not everyone gets a vote in your life.

 

You can simply say, "This is what's best for me and my family," and let that be enough.

And listen, I am still learning this. 😂 I'm not sitting here pretending I've mastered some magical level of confidence where I never care what anyone thinks. Of course I care. I'm human. I have days where I second-guess myself. I have moments where I wonder if I said too much, did too much, posted too much, worked too much, or should've handled something differently.

 

But I'm getting better at catching myself.

I'm getting better at asking, Do I actually believe I did something wrong, or am I just uncomfortable because someone might not approve?

Because those are very different things.

If I've hurt someone, I want to own it. If I've made a mistake, I want to apologize. If I need to grow, I pray I always have enough humility to recognize it.
 

But I'm not going to apologize simply because I'm growing.

I'm not going to apologize for being excited about my life.

I'm not going to apologize for wanting more for myself and my family.

I'm not going to apologize for protecting the things that matter to me.

I'm not going to make myself smaller so someone else never has to feel uncomfortable around me.

And I hope you don't either.

 

Life is way too short to spend it constantly editing yourself for an audience that was never going to be satisfied anyway.

Wear the outfit.

Start the business.

Post the picture.

Say no when you mean no.

Speak up when something matters to you.

Celebrate the thing you worked so hard for.

Take up space in the room.

Be proud of how far you've come.