Stop Taking Advice From People Who Don’t Have the Life You Want

One of the biggest things I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older is that everyone has an opinion, but not everyone deserves a vote in your life.

 

And I wish I had figured that out sooner.

 

We ask people what they think about everything. Should I do this? Should I take the job? Should I start the business? Should I spend the money? Should I go on the trip? Should I say something? Should I let it go? And before we know it, we’ve collected ten different opinions and somehow feel even more confused than we did before.

 

The problem isn't always the advice. Sometimes it's who we're asking.

I've started paying a lot more attention to whether I actually want the life of the person giving me advice. Not in a judgmental way, because nobody has everything figured out. I certainly don't. But if I'm asking someone for marriage advice, do I respect the way they handle their relationship? If I'm asking about business, have they built something I admire? If I'm asking about money, do I respect how they manage theirs? If I'm asking about friendships, are they someone who maintains healthy, genuine relationships?

 

Because someone can love you deeply and still give you advice based on their fears instead of your future.

 

And that one took me a while to understand.

Sometimes when you tell someone about a big idea, their immediate response is everything that could go wrong.

 

 

And maybe they mean well. They might genuinely be trying to protect you. But I've learned to ask myself: Would I actually want them to do it?

 

If the answer is no, why am I letting their fear decide whether I should?

 

Someone who would never start a business is probably going to think starting one sounds terrifying. Someone who would never move away might think moving is crazy. Someone who is extremely cautious with money might think investing in yourself is irresponsible. Someone who cares deeply about what other people think might tell you not to do something simply because they're imagining what everyone will say.

 

That doesn't make them bad people.

It just means their advice is coming through the lens of their life.

And yours might require a completely different lens.

I think we also have to be careful about asking too many people for opinions when deep down, we already know what we want to do.

I am guilty of this one. 😂

 

Sometimes we aren't really looking for advice—we're looking for someone to give us permission.

 

We already know what our gut is telling us. We've thought about it, prayed about it, talked it over a million times, and probably made the decision in our head. But then we keep asking people until someone finally gives us the answer we wanted to hear.

 

At some point, you have to trust yourself too.

That doesn't mean becoming someone who refuses advice or thinks she knows everything. I actually think wise counsel is one of the most valuable things you can have. There are people in my life whose opinions matter tremendously to me.

 

But I've become much more selective about whose voice gets turned up the loudest.

 

I want advice from people who will tell me the truth, even when it's not what I want to hear. People who aren't secretly competing with me. People who don't make decisions purely from fear. People who have wisdom in the area I'm asking them about. People whose values I respect. And most importantly, people who genuinely want to see me do well.

 

Because there is a difference between someone challenging you because they see a blind spot and someone discouraging you because your decision makes them uncomfortable.

Learning the difference is huge.

 

I've also learned that sometimes the person you need advice from isn't someone you personally know.

 

If you want to build something you've never built before, learn from someone who has. Read their book. Listen to their podcast. Study what they did right—and what they did wrong. If you want to become better with money, learn from people who understand money. If you want a strong marriage, pay attention to couples who have built one. If you want to become healthier, learn from qualified people who actually understand health.

 

You don't have to limit your life to the wisdom available in your immediate circle.

And you definitely don't have to shrink your dreams to fit someone else's comfort zone.

 

I think that's where so many of us get stuck. We tell someone what we're excited about, they give us one doubtful look, and suddenly we're questioning something we felt completely confident about five minutes earlier.

 

Protect that excitement a little more.

Not every idea needs to be announced while it's still fragile. Not every decision needs a group vote. Not everyone needs to understand what you're building before you begin building it.

 

Sometimes you just need to quietly put your head down and start.

And if it doesn't work? You'll learn.

 

If you change your mind? You're allowed to.

If someone says, "I told you so"? Let them.

I'd rather try something that matters to me and learn from it than spend years wondering what would've happened if I hadn't let someone else's fear talk me out of it.

 

The older I get, the more I realize that a peaceful life requires being very intentional about what voices you allow into your head.

 

Listen to people.

Stay teachable.

Ask questions.

Take advice.

But then filter it.